Domain change

Jan 3rd 2026

I purchased the domain name callumbal.com!!

I may make it display as my name for this site instead of just being a redirect like it is at the moment, we'll see.

Unfiltered stream

Jan 2nd 2026

Just as it says really. I'm just going to say whatever is on my mind and try not overthink it.

I've been longing for some kind of outlet for my thoughts and feelings for a long time now, and social media just doesn't cut it.

I'm hoping if i put things down in writing it can help me actualise them. This blog is a *loose* new year's resolution I have about accountability and just feeling like I have some sort of purpose in the world.

I've been trying really hard to be more social lately and it has been going pretty well.

I'm turning 30 in a week and I'm definitely ruminating a lot about getting older and feeling like I've lost so much of my youth.

I still don't know where I fit in the world and I still don't really seem to be able to connect with other people in meaningful ways.

I'm growing ever more fearful of dying alone without having ever been contented with anything.

I'm pretty nihilistic so a big part of me says what's the point anyway, it's all just fluff to distract from the inevitable sad end anyhow.

It's hard to set goals when it all feels like a fools errand.

I hate to be so disattached like that, yet it's been this way for a long time now.

I don't really know where I'm going with any of this.

Do others feel as dispondent as me?

It feels like there's a trick I'm missing to not otherthink things. I do it with everything to unhinged levels.

I'll think about what if I bit my tongue most of the time I eat.

Or I'll go to a gig and only be able to think "this is the bit you're meant to like. This is the bit you're supposed to switch off." And it never happens.

Every single night I just hate sleeping. How are you supposed to turn it off?

I hope 2026 is the year I find whatever missing link it is that stops me from getting so stuck on everything.

The hope is it's one of those "your brain is missing this chemical and this pill with fix you" scenarios.

Maybe I just have aggressive ADHD or whatever the fuck. I feel like I have so little control over it at times and it's just tragic.

Not a particularly positive first entry but it's just what I'm feeling.

Between now and next entry I want to try keep up socialising with others and just striving to keep my brain engaged with ANYTHING.

Try and find more "tricks" to keep my brain occupied instead of vapidly whittling hours away going around in circles in my head in bed or staring at my PC screen with nothing happening.